Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
