I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I am one with the molecules
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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