Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
