wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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