I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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