'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
