It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
