I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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