when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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