i barfeds in our rink
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
