so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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