I think I won the penis lottery.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
