All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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