he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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