Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
