so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
