Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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