remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
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