Umm I'm too high to move.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
