I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
