I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
