Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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