Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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