When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
