Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
