don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
