He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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