Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
