I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
