Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
