We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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