I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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