We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
