You work out of a Hotel?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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