i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
