My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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