That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
