I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
