I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
