hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
