When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
