oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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