this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
