i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
