I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
if only i could text you this smell
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
