got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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