Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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