Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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