Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
