talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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